Social Intelligence: The New Science of Human Relationships (2006) by Daniel Goleman delves into the concept of social intelligence and its importance in our personal and professional lives. Widely seen as a companion to Goleman’s earlier, best-known work, Emotional Intelligence: Why It Can Matter More Than IQ, this book expands on Goleman’s explanations of the inner workings of an individual mind to consider the neurobiology of two or more people interacting together, showing how complex and sophisticated our social brain structures truly are.

This guide refers to the first edition of Social Intelligence published in October 2006 by Bantam Dell.

Content Warning: This book describes physical, verbal, sexual, and mental abuse in its discussion of social pathologies. Additionally, it contains some outdated terminology referring to people with autism. The outdated terms are repeated only in direct quotes.

Summary

Daniel Goleman, an accomplished author and science journalist and a regular contributor to The New York Times, focuses on aspects of social intelligence in this book, detailing neuroscientific, psychological, and sociological principles that factor into its expression. He explores the nature of empathy, the importance of nonverbal communication, and the often unobserved impact of external social dynamics on our own behavior.

Exploring the neurobiology of social intelligence, Goleman highlights the role of specific types of neurological activity in human social experience—particularly as it relates to empathy and understanding of others. Goleman explains the mechanisms at play when one human brain interacts with another, dividing these mental processes into two broad categories he calls the “low road” and the “high road.” The “low road” consists of subconscious reactions, running through the amygdala, that quickly evaluate whether a person is trustworthy or a threat. The “high road,” by contrast, runs through the prefrontal cortex, using conscious, deliberate thought and problem-solving to strategize and adapt to specific social contexts.

Through this model, Goleman discusses the significance of social awareness, understanding others, and developing rapport in building healthy relationships. He explores how social intelligence contributes to successful leadership, teamwork, and collaboration in the workplace as well as in relationships. Social Intelligence provides concrete advice and strategies for increasing mastery of social skills and awareness of the “emotional contagion” to which all humans are subject, for both good and ill.

Goleman explores the concept of different types of interpersonal relationships by comparing the I/you relationship, an ideal, socially nourishing relationship between two subjects of equal value, to the depersonalized I/it relationship, a way of interacting that acts as a social buffer against stress and negative emotion. The I/it relationship, often used by service professionals and strangers who must interact, allows participants to buffer themselves against the emotional contagion of the other person and is often a necessary means of relating to others without getting exhausted by constant social attunement, but it provides little to no social benefit, lacking the warmth of the I/you relationship.

Social Intelligence delves into the more troubling side of the social sciences with its discussion of the “dark triad”: toxic interpersonal relating styles that allow people to manipulate others for their own benefit. The dark triad—a theory first articulated by the psychologists Delroy Paulhus and Kevin Williams—lists three personality traits associated with a “callous-manipulative” interpersonal style: narcissism, Machiavellianism, and psychopathy. Dark triad traits arise both from innate differences on the neurobiological level, which prevent some people from attaining the same level of emotional cohesion and rapport that neurotypical people enjoy, and from sophisticated and purposeful social strategies for using and then discarding people.

Goleman defines the inability to predict others’ emotions accurately as “mindblindness,” a condition found in people with psychopathy, people with autism spectrum disorder, and people who have survived trauma. Mindblindness has no moral implications, and people who are mindblind can still build social intelligence if they have the inclination. Goleman emphasizes the vital role that environment can play in developing anyone’s social skills. He highlights the concept of “social epigenetics”—the way environment and experience change the expression of an individual’s genetic code—as an effective way for parents, caregivers, and educators to bolster a struggling individual’s ability to engage in the vital social world.

Goleman additionally considers the potential impact of modern technology on social intelligence. He explores how digital communication, such as social media and texting, can hinder our ability to connect authentically and empathize with others because of our neurobiological reaction to interacting via screens as opposed to face-to-face. Goleman encourages readers to develop strategies to mitigate these challenges and cultivate meaningful connections in the digital age.

Goleman then applies the Social Intelligence approach to success in the workplace, explaining that optimal engagement with colleagues and productivity on work goals requires finding a “sweet spot” between the opposing extremes of boredom and panic. He shows, through multiple examples, the efficacy of a socially intelligent leader in managing a team of employees. Goleman emphasizes the need for leaders to exemplify social skills and build rapport with their teams, claiming that social intelligence is one of the most crucial aspects of successful leadership.

Social Intelligence provides a comprehensive understanding of the importance of social intelligence in our lives. Goleman offers practical insights and strategies to enhance social skills, improve relationships, and foster a more empathetic and compassionate society. The book serves as a valuable resource for individuals seeking to develop their social intelligence and navigate the complexities of human interactions.