Chapman realizes that “some individuals will know instantaneously their own primary love language […while for] others, it will not be that easy” (119). Some people assume that they speak a specific love language, but are in fact nourished by an unexpected manner of love; men, for instance, will often “[assume] that physical touch is their primary love language” (121). Many people have multiple love languages that vie for dominance, or have a primary and secondary manner of speaking and receiving love.

To ignore a loved one’s love language is akin to neglecting a garden: “if we don’t weed, water, or fertilize, it will die a slow death” (122). Recognizing our love languages is a vital aspect of learning to love, and how to be loved in return. To do this effectively, “it helps to look back over your marriage and ask, ‘What have I most often requested of my spouse?’ Whatever you have most requested is probably in keeping with your primary love language” (124). Spending time discerning our love language, even to the point of keeping a list of those things which we desire and find loving, can be helpful.